Tips & Tricks for getting away for a weekend in the wilderness without the wife

Crossbow wife
You’re not going anywhere!

Don’t get us wrong, we love having our wives out in the wilderness with us. It’s primal, it’s private, there is a beautiful backside in the bow of the canoe to stare at, and best of all… Skinny Dipping! But there are also times that we want to be in the woods either alone or with the boys for a quick weekend bender canoe loop, or a week-long grudge match with raging waters on a river north of nowhere. We decided that it was a good idea to post a few ideas on how to escape on these types of trips.

There are two scenarios here: Your wife wants to go with you, which in our experience is almost never, but it depends on your wife and your version of a trek. The second of the two scenarios, and the more likely, is that you want to head out and your wife is against you going at all. This is what we will focus on.

Misdirection – This one is actually very simple. It takes a little bit of prep work, and some apologizing when you get home, but is very effective. Leave your wife a treasure trail of roses, chocolate, wine bottles, bacon, whatever works for her… make sure you keep the trail going through out the house with little check points. This should take her at least 20 minutes if she is awake, or much less time if you leave it for her to find when she wakes up. The final “Checkpoint” will contain a note with a very responsible schedule and map of where you have gone in case something goes wrong.  This should leave you enough time to load your gear in the car and get out of the driveway without her noticing. She may be mad but at least she has the chocolates, wine, etch. to enjoy over the weekend you are gone.

Making The Call – Plain and simple. While she is at work on the day you are leaving, call immigration and report her as an illegal immigrant. This should keep he busy for while so you can escape. If you are against this idea, call crime stoppers and claim she is planning something (Maybe you get the reward money to boot!) Throw away your cellphone to make sure it can’t be traced back to you and you can’t be reached. Claim it was stolen and you were volunteering with habitat for humanity all weekend. Voilà… Freedom.

Hero Complex – Kidnap your dog (Dognap?) and tell your wife the dog is missing, you are panicked and heading out to look for him. No time to talk, you have to find him!! Take your furry copilot on your adventure. Return home at the end of the weekend with your dog in hand. Be sure to really sell this by wearing the same clothing all weekend. You’ve been searching for 48 hours straight, you’re bound to be dirty and smelly. Who knows, she may even give you a back massage for the hard work and dedication you have. You are now her hero, and your dog will always keep your secret.

You are welcome men.

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